After coming back from speaking at my first women’s conference “Fierce” in March, my God did my internal battle become more fierce, it truly intensified. What do I mean by that? Can you accept my truth? It is hard to express the depth of emptiness I feel at times, and man that feeling had exacerbated and demanded to be silenced. This made me become silent, silent to writing, silent to church duties, silent to my own well-being. However, even in those moments, I was well aware it would only last but so long and I would be back in the same place I was before.
So here I am again! I am back to this place that I never truly left in the first place. But what has left me is my false feeling of wholeness. I really hate this place and I can never seem to leave! So I am starting this journey AGAIN, I am trying to conquer this tormenting feeling inside AGAIN. Many times we don’t get down to the ROOT of our issue, our pain, our heartbreak, so we remain in the same place. I want to be made whole from the inside out, and I know that is what Jesus is doing through every downfall, every tear, every scream, the bitterness, anger, confusion, and pain. He is making me whole and making you whole from the inside out.
I’ve been in this condition my whole life it feels, but in the last 5 years of having Christ I have seen life brought to dead places, but I am still not there yet. I think that is what frustrates me is I want to be there so bad but you simply cannot rush the process. I have to remind myself time and time again that this will take time!
I long to LIVE, but really LIVE in wholeness, not masqueraded by a man, friend, career, or any of those things that make us feel whole at times. I don’t want to waste any more time being sad, hurt, feeling lonely, living with unfulfilled desires, and not yet accomplished dreams. But I would only be lying to myself if I act like these feelings are not there and so strong at that. So I hang on to this one thing…
“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame ” (Joel 2:25-27 NKJV).
Wasted years are unfruitful years, bitter years, crying years, rebellious years, lonely years, angry years, depressed years, the list goes on and on. We can all identify with at least one. But thank God what is ahead, what is to come, will make up and surpass anything we have lost or lived without. For Israel this occurred for 4 years, I don’t know how many years it has been for you but all I know is turning to God will bring a restoration so deeply needed!
Lets not fret about time that seems wasted when He is the creator of time!