Push Pass Pain

How is it after such a powerful weekend with the Lord you can feel so down?

How does the fire burn out so quick?
Did you have merely emotional encounters vs. spiritual encounters?
Do you not believe God?
Is it really the devil?

I’m not one to give the devil too much credit!

I am my worse enemy!
I am my worse stumbling block!
I am the one that gets in my own way more than anyone or anything!
But WHY? But HOW?
What is it going to take?
Another retreat?
Another encounter?
Another word?

What is it going to take to get this right, will I ever?
I hate this feeling inside, I don’t want to desire the things I do simply because I don’t want to feel the feeling of the lack of them. The hard part for me is not moving on from the past, there isn’t much value there. The hard part is moving forward while feeling lack. And yes I know the Lord is the one who will ultimately fill those empty spaces. But we are all human! I long to be like Apostle Paul when he said

“Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am…[Philippians 4:11-13 MSG].”

I am not there yet, but I am striving to be!

I believe we all have experienced things which have brought us disappointments at one point or another. You see in my mind, since I was very young, before I was even a teenager, I couldn’t wait for the day that I finished school, got my career, got married, and had a baby!

Cute right?!                                                                                                                                     Good things to desire right!?                                                                                                          But then what happens?

I finished high school a year early only to not be able to complete a semester of college (because my mind was such a mess) until I was 21. So at the age I could’ve been getting my Bachelors, I was just starting college for real finally! Now my future got placed on hold even more! But guess what? I got into the nursing program in January of 2017! That means I would graduate December 2018 making good money! Yes, finally! A light at the end of the tunnel! But no I didn’t make it, I missed the mark by 2 points! Now I have to wait LONGER!

This hurt me so much! Not even because of the crushed dream…
It was the set back!
The disappointment!
Another unfulfilled desire!
Another “NO” in life!
Another door closed!

Ever just feel like your life has been a story of waiting? A waiting that never ceases? You look around and everyone little by little has or is receiving what you have been waiting for all this time (but you can’t compare)!

But then there’s a world that’s dying, there are people who just lost their homes, family members, everything they had, and here you are focused on what you don’t have! Is it wrong? (But it’s not about you) But other people are getting there! (But you can’t compare) How do you keep going while feeling like you are getting no where?!

I believe life is about enjoying the journey!

But how do you do that?

The Graduation ceremony is one day, but how do you enjoy the path until then?

You can find your spouse one day to the next, but how do you enjoy the path leading up to that point?

I understand process, I get process, BUT where is the joy in the process?

I know the joy of the Lord is my strength!

But sometimes the joy dissipates, sadness comes, pain comes, loneliness comes!
Maybe you can relate to me?
Maybe you feel like you are always waiting?                                                                       Maybe your hearts desires seem to be so far away?
And as everyone is seeing progress in your life, you see stillness!

Over this weekend at Kingdom Generals there were a few things that brought me peace about these disappointments!

There was a sermon that the speaker  mentioned to educate yourself, to develop your capacity, etc. In that moment, what I felt inside was the answer to not making it in the nursing program. At the point I was in at school, I was just going to learn skills of nursing from that moment forward! I thought, “that was the problem!”, you need to learn more! That field is too narrow, too specific in curriculum. You need to broaden your knowledge and understanding of the world. It wasn’t time to only focus on one area in knowledge, it needs to be broader!

When it comes to a spouse, I truly felt inside of the deepest part of me, I almost heard this question in my mind “Can you be faithful to Me without that desire?”, “Could you be loyal to Me and love Me the way you would to him?” I recognize my relationship with God needs to be stronger, needs to still be more important than anything or anyone else. But how come I have to wait and not others? (But you can’t compare) I really don’t have the answers, but I can say that I know from the deepest parts within myself that when the day comes it will make sense! When whatever you are waiting for finally comes knocking on your door, the wait will make sense! You can’t compare! Your life is different! I know that I know that I know that I know that I know that why my relationship with God had to get to such a strong place prior to receiving these things will make sense! And that’s what I hold onto! Not that the prophet said it to me, but just that feeling inside that I know is from God.

I learned this weekend in regards to my desire for a child, it’s so much more than having a child! Especially the times we live in now, these times are critical! I know that naturally I’m going to be a fantastic mom, ask anyone who knows me! I’m a natural at caring for kids and always have been! But this weekend I thought, you can raise a child BUT can you raise a giant? Can you raise a warrior? Because the truth is the natural is only half of it! I asked God for that grace this weekend, to be able to raise a child SPIRITUALLY!
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 NKJV

I know God spoke to all of us this weekend, a lot of the things for me were internally! And of course I will doubt here and there but I still know that it’s true! I love to write, because I love to reflect! Because I need to! I need to cry! I need to write down all my emotions on paper! I need to be real with myself! And then I need to remind myself what God said! I need to remind myself that it’s time to RUN (1 YEAR)!

I said all this to be relatable, to show that I too get it.

But also to remind myself, to remind us if you have to reflect everyday to keep yourself going, then do it! Do whatever it is you have to do to keep pressing forward! I really wish I was the person who could say I’m still on cloud 9 from KG. I really wish I was the person who could say I got the specific word I asked for. I really wish I was the person who could say I haven’t cried my eyes out since coming back from KG. I really wish I was the person who could say I haven’t thought about him again, or that I didn’t send a text. But I’m not that person! I went to KG discouraged, hurting…STILL, sad…STILL, but I came back with marching orders! I also came back with issues, habits, mindsets, things which I have to work on and conquer! A retreat will never be a quick fix! I came back with the instruction on how to obtain TOTAL VICTORY! Now the true battle begins, the discipline both physically and mentally! So maybe you are like me, don’t beat yourself up! Don’t think another retreat went by and you are still the same! Don’t think everyone is smiling and on fire and you are burnt out. You went up there, I went up there and we encountered Jesus! We heard from Jesus! Our shouts


armor redwere WAR CRIES! Our encounters were us receiving marching orders! You didn’t fall off cloud 9, you never went on it! This was and still is a BATTLE!  It was real before you got there and it is realer coming back! TOTAL VICTORY belongs to me, it belongs to you! Total Victory belongs to our communities, to our state, to our nation! All you have to do is RESPOND to the instructions given and before 2017 is over you will see and I will see Total Victory! So for now, continue to set your mind on things above, meditate on what is good, on what Jesus told YOU! We are getting there, We are becoming GENERALS in Jesus name!

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”
Philippians 4:8 NKJV

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